Ever since I was a little kid I’ve been a maker, a creator.
I made anything and everything all day long. It brought me so much joy. I loved especially making things for people I loved.
At some point in my life a disease got into my head that hurt my ability to do this. Some people call this disease “perfectionism”, “worthlessness”, or “high standards”. Any time I’d start a project, I wanted it to be worth it, to mean something.
Childhood innocence was replaced with cynicism. A free spirit was replaced with calculated standards. I had been rejected too many times. I couldn’t miss any more shots. I needed to be great.
I had no room in my head to just do things for fun. Just to be silly. No, I must make a difference.
I was lost, without meaning.
It was some deep fear I had that drove me to kill project after project, even some before they started. I lost some of my creativity. I almost never made anything.
Every time I reached out to start an idea, or tried to convince myself to do something, I felt my hand jerked back and a voice in my head that would tell me, “don’t start that. it won’t go anywhere. come up with a better idea. what’s the point in it anyways. you don’t have time. it’s not worth it. you have other things to do. not right now…”
This voice has haunted me for a very long time. I haven’t gotten rid of it, because to a degree it helps me.
As with a considerable amount of fears, this one was not created just to destroy me. I started these tendencies out of self protection, with motivation from personal experiences.
As with many fears as well, despite being a protection method, this one also brought harm to my life in its imperfection (it’s weird to measure fears by effectiveness and perfection, but sometimes it helps!).
now after poetically describing my dilemma, here’s all the ways i’ve figured out how to help it in emoji bullet list form
🍠 find a friend: something I’ve noticed in the search for meaning, is that having a buddy to share art with back and forth helps, whether you’re making videos, writing novels, drawing comics, or idk building rockets
🫴 habits are great. when you’re struggling to find a reason to make art, sometimes just having a routine where at xyz time you make something (make it specific too) can get you past the “why bother”. getting started may still be hard, so try creating a specific neat concept or brand for your habit. even better, pair this with your friend(s), and have some mutual expectations to get you going. i.e. having a group chat to draw a new type of flower every day, or to make 1 minute short films every week.
🍨 touch grass: seriously, often i notice i have been thinking too much or spending too much time on the internet. stay grounded in reality, not a head-space or the internet. look for real people to connect with. real life happens in real life
💒 people don’t always have to be listening
🦚 success takes time. some projects never get off the ground. some you leave in the dust and come back to later. some succeed then fail then succeed then fail, or just fail fail fail fail succeed.
🚊 each and every project has value, whether it got off the ground or not, or even if it crashed and burned. i’ve had many projects that never got anywhere, but that i recycled ideas and skills from into future projects. everyone one of them you can gain something from. it’s not a loss.
🔫 it’s okay to drop projects, or not have everything finished. just make progress and get something out of it. a nice “finished” label doesn’t make or break it. i have plenty of “stubs” that have been very important and influential in my life.
🧑🧒🧒 it’s ok to take time at things. it’s okay even to take a break from things. rome wasn’t built in a day.
🈂️ life is messy. people are messy. art is messy. life happens. it’s ok. learn how to roll. adaptability is key, especially when life is unfair.
This morning I was looking outside while in the car. I saw many a tree while I passed. They were beautiful.
I’m not sure if there were hundreds, or thousands, or millions.
I thought to myself, “each of these trees is so pretty, and yet some of them may never be seen, or touched, or cared about by any human. maybe even any other creature”
“but still they grow, and they grow to be beautiful to some place in the world, whether or not someone sees them or cares. they are beautiful, and i know each one is important”
maybe we could learn from the trees
happy september :D
bonk your friend with my story for brownie points